Who's in Control?

Most arguments are really just a struggle for control. Whenever people argue—whether they are married couples, friends, coworkers, or anything else—the real issue is who gets to control the situation. The arguments do not seem like it, of course. Couples argue about money, friends argue about how to handle a situation, and coworkers argue over how to carry out a task. The word “control” will probably never come up in these conflicts, but that is often the unspoken issue.

The issue over which the couple argues is secondary. Resolving the conflict is like treating symptoms when a person is sick. The stalemate between the parties is really about who gets to have his way, and there is often times a refusal to yield one’s way for another. In essence they are saying, “I want my way in this situation.” In many of these arguments there is not necessarily a right or wrong position, but stubbornly refusing to consider another point of view becomes a wrong position. Jeff and Debby McElroy, founders of Forever Families and authors of the book Prepare to Last, have offered some insight into how believers should handle themselves during times of conflict.

Debby said, “Until I lose my control to God’s control, I’m going to be out of control.” The right response to an argument is to let God be in control, and make sure we are submitted to Him. When believers submit to God and allow Him to lead them, they will know how to conduct themselves. The McElroys offer two pieces of advice for people who find themselves in these situations. First, bite your tongue. Don’t say all that you are thinking, because much of it may be something that is regretted later, and those words can never be taken back. When a person is angry they have a tendency to use insults instead of calmly explaining their position. Jeff added: “You will never usher in the power of heaven using the language of hell.” That is why the second piece of advice is to call a time out before things get out of control. Identify the sociological indicators that the body is shifting into flight or fight mode (feeling flushed, increased heart rate/blood pressure, breathing through the nose, etc.). The body is trying to protect itself, and it will either retreat or become aggressive. Calling a timeout can allow the body to calm down and think rationally.

These simple tips can help a Christian regroup and make sure he is conducting himself in a Christlike manner, which will deescalate the argument, and hopefully help resolve the conflict.

“Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.”

James 4:7